Im sorry I have been an ass for not letting you know that im still alive. I have been an ass for not attempting to remember my password earlier to my blog . I have been an ass for ......... too many things.
(feel free to add some more)
okay.
Since the last time i blogged about.... *checks last real blog subject*
........falling on my ass, i cant possibly tell you in one entry abt all the things that had happened,obviously.... so let me just sum it up into a story yeah...?
Since August 2005......yes yes, last damn year, i have faught with my dad for about a month after "moving back in" with my family. 3years of university had given me the freedom and independence so when uni finished i had to lose all that. I really thought that once a girl reach a certain age, she should be able to make decisions for herself...and not by her dad....or anyone else. She should be treated like a lady once she has lived 3years on her own. She should not be treated like she used to be before living alone. I really thought my parents were opened enough to understand that.
It was partly because im going through a realization state and partly because....it just had to happen.
When doing my dissertation, what kept me sane and what really made me wanna pass degree was the thought of hurting my dad if i failed. I couldnt live with myself knowing that i have broken my old man's heart. So i tried and tried and i finally graduated. It made him happy. Made him proud. But there's just things that i should set the rules for....and not him. So i told him what i needed him to know. I tried to carry myself like a lady and not a little girl. I tried to deal with my emotions about myself, my friends, my love life etc... I tried to face the changes. I deal with this all at once. And i broke down.
I often find myself fighting with the person i see in the mirror. Being away from Sharul was so tough on me. But still i tried to be strong. Even when i feel like never waking up the next day i stood by him and tried to make up for the times that i was away from him. I had covered up layers and layers of emotion i can hardly recognise myself let alone what i was feeling at that time. I hated everything. Everything hated me. I was only "stablised" when im lost in a movie.....funny how ironic it seems that movies is how i escape from all the crap that was happening in my head yet it was also my way of dealing with it.
Obviously, i got on a fight with him.....god knows how many times over. I just wanted everything to get back to how i want it. I want things to be perfect. I wanna be perfect. Hell i wasnt quite sure what perfect means anymore. It seemed so easy if i was on drugs. Just pop the pill and i'll figure it all out while im high in cloud 9. But i didnt get no drugs. So i hated myself even more. Until one day, i was deep in devil's arm, i wanted to end it all. I was near suicidal. I couldnt think. I didnt want to think. I needed help. I want friends. I didnt think i still have those.
So last year ended with so much confusion. So much to fight about. Too much for my tiny brain to deal with. But somehow....here i am now, stablised and still sane. Although it doesnt mean it had all stopped. Im still dealing.
Someone very important once told me that im too serious when it comes to Love. That someone was right.
Next January i'll be with him for 5 years. Many of my friends had gotten married since ice age. Why is it that they've only been together for about 2years and they're already married, but it doesnt happen to me? It's because im not thatspecial that's why. God i need to get that into my head.
Have you ever thought how....a lady can mesmerize a guy so much that he makes a song about her....?
Anyway, apart from all that bullshit 2006 has been better......im still with him, dad's not as bad he was, mom's ....... - she is a story for a different day. But movies are still my best friend.
