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:: summing me up ::
++ black coffee ++
++ flat shoes ++
++ world's worst worrywort ++
++ 29|12|82 ++
++ proud Sabahan ++
++ very capricorn/yr of DOG ++
++ cooking/food ++::::: ::::: :::::  ...where would yours take you?...
Recently feeling :
Support [Marc] unkymoods through punkymoods.com
:: Sites i currently stalk ::
Tokeikedai
Friendster
Siti updates
Neopets
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August 8, 2006
y does my heart go on beating...
I thought we would grow old together...i thought so many things... That day you told me you hav had enuff of me i lost everything...my dreams my purpose my....everything. I asked for you to help me...kill me...coz i dont want anything else from this life if i dont have you...i was secretly hoping i would crash into a tree or something and died on the spot...cos i couldnt do it myself....i didnt have alchohol in my blood that time to do that....it hurts so much i could hardly feel. All i wanted was to be numb....or just pass out into another world... a world where i didnt have to feel. Like my soul had left my body...nothing can hurt more than what you said the other day. Since then, everynight after i cry i wish that i wont wake up the next morning...but when i do,i wish something would happen to me through the day that'll take my life away... I was so mad at God.. why does He wana force me to accept things that i dont want to accept? I read somewhere that You'll never hurt someone beyond their ability...so why do You
forget it. You're the God. You can do whatever You like. I guess my feelings means nothing. Okay. Whatever You say.
Posted at Tuesday, August 08, 2006 by nadm
July 26, 2006
D 1 abt fights n more fights
heyy guys...
Im sorry I have been an ass for not letting you know that im still alive. I have been an ass for not attempting to remember my password earlier to my blog . I have been an ass for ......... too many things.
(feel free to add some more)
okay.
Since the last time i blogged about.... *checks last real blog subject*
........falling on my ass, i cant possibly tell you in one entry abt all the things that had happened,obviously.... so let me just sum it up into a story yeah...?
Since August 2005......yes yes, last damn year, i have faught with my dad for about a month after "moving back in" with my family. 3years of university had given me the freedom and independence so when uni finished i had to lose all that. I really thought that once a girl reach a certain age, she should be able to make decisions for herself...and not by her dad....or anyone else. She should be treated like a lady once she has lived 3years on her own. She should not be treated like she used to be before living alone. I really thought my parents were opened enough to understand that.
It was partly because im going through a realization state and partly because....it just had to happen.
When doing my dissertation, what kept me sane and what really made me wanna pass degree was the thought of hurting my dad if i failed. I couldnt live with myself knowing that i have broken my old man's heart. So i tried and tried and i finally graduated. It made him happy. Made him proud. But there's just things that i should set the rules for....and not him. So i told him what i needed him to know. I tried to carry myself like a lady and not a little girl. I tried to deal with my emotions about myself, my friends, my love life etc... I tried to face the changes. I deal with this all at once. And i broke down.
I often find myself fighting with the person i see in the mirror. Being away from Sharul was so tough on me. But still i tried to be strong. Even when i feel like never waking up the next day i stood by him and tried to make up for the times that i was away from him. I had covered up layers and layers of emotion i can hardly recognise myself let alone what i was feeling at that time. I hated everything. Everything hated me. I was only "stablised" when im lost in a movie.....funny how ironic it seems that movies is how i escape from all the crap that was happening in my head yet it was also my way of dealing with it.
Obviously, i got on a fight with him.....god knows how many times over. I just wanted everything to get back to how i want it. I want things to be perfect. I wanna be perfect. Hell i wasnt quite sure what perfect means anymore. It seemed so easy if i was on drugs. Just pop the pill and i'll figure it all out while im high in cloud 9. But i didnt get no drugs. So i hated myself even more. Until one day, i was deep in devil's arm, i wanted to end it all. I was near suicidal. I couldnt think. I didnt want to think. I needed help. I want friends. I didnt think i still have those.
So last year ended with so much confusion. So much to fight about. Too much for my tiny brain to deal with. But somehow....here i am now, stablised and still sane. Although it doesnt mean it had all stopped. Im still dealing.
Someone very important once told me that im too serious when it comes to Love. That someone was right.
Next January i'll be with him for 5 years. Many of my friends had gotten married since ice age. Why is it that they've only been together for about 2years and they're already married, but it doesnt happen to me? It's because im not thatspecial that's why. God i need to get that into my head.
Have you ever thought how....a lady can mesmerize a guy so much that he makes a song about her....?
Anyway, apart from all that bullshit 2006 has been better......im still with him, dad's not as bad he was, mom's ....... - she is a story for a different day. But movies are still my best friend.
Posted at Wednesday, July 26, 2006 by nadm
July 23, 2006
Ow WoW. been that long,huh...
my dear homies (hahaha that sounds odd coming from me)..
I a.p.o.l.o.g.i.z.e.............!! I havent bothered to blog because....erm... d dog ate my ... fart?
okay okay...coz i FORGOT about blogging. there. phew.
To Brenda Ansel: Im like,so sorry man....it's like,1minute i have my brain with me? the next minute it went shopping or something i dont know where its gone to man.... im sure it's crazy being a mum....but guess what,.......... (i dont know what my point was..)
Really. im really sorry for being m.i.a....will make it up to u somehow....
To Saberurubobokajumbo: hey.
To Rashim ma boi: oooo....sudah lupa kawan laaaa.
okay that's it.
hehe wish i can see d look on ur face,Sab..... *all i get is a %&*@!^# "hey"?????!!!!*
LOL miss u all so much guys....and Sab...KK awaits!! *lemon-ic wink* LOL
Posted at Sunday, July 23, 2006 by nadm
September 7, 2005
updates updates...
<long long pause>
<still pausing>
<receiving information...>
<an error has occured.....>
been reading people's blog and trying to be as creative in telling my stories as others but i guess i lack one thing...... stories.
it's as if NOTHING is happening in my life that is worth telling! <ok keep on talking nad u'll get some stories out....>
.......
obviously.
Posted at Wednesday, September 07, 2005 by nadm
August 11, 2005
D 1 when Nad fell on her ass
ow ma gaad.... i like, fell on the staircase,like! dang the tall shoes! .....so i have bruises around the waist on the left side.... the bruise looks like a 'V' for a blardi victory. went to the doctor and found out that my fats has saved me hehe. Nolah. After the incident, i was in some pain....but it wasnt a big deal at all. I drove home in silence though. What made my eyes water was the thoughts of anything rupturing inside. i know, silly me....how could you injure ur kidney from outside. The doctor said if i had injured my kidney,there will be an immediate effect on my urine....mine didnt turn red. So, i thank God. All is cool. Last night was cool....i get to have dinner with my fam and Sharul....felt so....humph, i never have the word for it. Aaargh well. It was great. Im gowna make him fat!! He'll be starting uni again....finishing Dec 2007....so, for those of you who thinks that im all "marriage this and that", ......... u fill in the blanks. The haze in KL makes me think twice about going over...but i kinda have the need to go....so... hmph. I think it's starting to slowly sinking in that im not going back no more....chatted with my friend in manchester the other day and all of a sudden i want to be in Preston. Just BE in Preston for like, a night. Im missing that damn place already! You know, it's so weird....i read some people's blogs and they're SO interesting....i mean, they have SO many things to say cos there's so many things happening in their lives that they just love to share and they always have the right words to describe it.....i wish i could be like that. I mean, like, i wish i could put it into words what i felt whenever im by his side...or like, when he smiles.... urgh. See? i dont even want to try. I feel like its too mushy for me to say....but why did i go "awwwww....." when i read others' story? i never think it's too mushy. I dont know. maybe there are just some things i just cant share. even with words. Okay....im gonna go and sleep now...it's almost 2pm. im full and sleepy. that's all i do nowadays. zzzzzZzZZZZzzzZZzzzzzzzz..........
Posted at Thursday, August 11, 2005 by nadm
July 29, 2005
d 1 whn nad's home since 5thousand yrs ago
heylow u guys...
i know i know.....shouda blog like gazillion years ago...heheh....excuses aside, i have been trying to get use to the changes...
aaaanyway, thanks to Sab and Rash for helping me out and sending me off the other day... pls accept my apology for making u wait for donkeys years. And thank you for the parting gifts... Been wanting to write or do or buy each of you something but everything i see doesnt match the way i feel... so, im sorry but friendship is all that i can offer. I dont think i can get you anything that means as much as you mean to me.
Rightio...as usual, i have gotten ill... fever and la dee da... Hopefully i'll have interesting things to blog about next time. So for now, Sab, Rash, Brenduu.... hope our friendship lasts forever!
miss u guys loads and loads
Posted at Friday, July 29, 2005 by nadm
July 12, 2005
D 1 when nad is going for her convocation....
yay....! Im graduating.....just a few hours before the ceremony.... i hope to GOD that i wont trip n fall on my face or rip my bra or puke or anything like that when receiving the cert....im blardi sweating already!
It’s still not registering that im leaving FOR GOOD this Sunday....that's like, 5days away man....zaiks. Been driving around England with fam....going 100mph in the M6 n M25 heheh sakai baahh! good gurl nvr done that before! .....dat's also the reason for m.i.a…..
Im going to miss it here like mad....already missing actually …
ugh eat crap
Posted at Tuesday, July 12, 2005 by nadm
June 22, 2005
d 1 when nad is sad to leave...
never thought id have this mixed feelings....it's exhausting! one minute im all happy to go home, the next i'll be all moody and sappy.... i pity people around me who has to tolerate me.... bless them.
Posted at Wednesday, June 22, 2005 by nadm
June 16, 2005
| Your Birthdate: December 29 |
| Your birthday on the 29th adds a tone of idealism to your nature. You are imaginative and creative, but rather uncomfortable in the business world. You are very aware and sensitive, with outstanding intuitive skills and analytical abilities. The 29 reduces to 11, one of the master numbers which often produces much nervous tension. This is the birthday of the dreamer rather than the doer. You do, however, work very well with people. |
Posted at Thursday, June 16, 2005 by nadm
The True You |
| You want your girlfriend or boyfriend to be more open with you. |
| With respect to money, you spend whatever you have. |
| You think good luck doesn't exist - reality is built on practicalities. |
| The hidden side of your personality tends to be satisfied to care for things with a minimal amount of effort. |
| You have a tendency to overdo things, but basically you value your friendships highly. |
| When it comes to finding a romantic partner, you don't have any particular type in mind, but you are inclined to look for someone who will say yes when you ask him / her out. |
Posted at Thursday, June 16, 2005 by nadm
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